Monday, January 3, 2011

Dull nights call for bold thoughts.

Do you ever look back and think about all the bad things that have happened in your life? I wonder if we are stronger people because of everything we go through...or is it simply horrible misfortune that will scar us for the rest of our lives? Lately I seem fine during the day, for the most part. But at night I feel so lonely in my house, even though that's when everyone is usually home. I want to cry but there isn't really anything to cry about. I sort of want to vomit but I don't feel all that sick. I'm trying to fight my body's urge to physically do everything I'm feeling because it all just seems like nonsense. Fighting that my emotions and carnal being do, in fact, coincide. If I didn't know any better I would say I'm an adult with the weight of the world on my shoulders. That's how it feels I suppose. Long forgotten that I'm 17 years old and the world hasn't gotten anywhere near my why the constant heaviness? And why the constant struggle to stay close to God when I know His plans and calling for me are the only things that I can find comfort in during this life. They are sweet to the thought, but so far down the road. I can't stick with anything for that matter...the basis of my discouragement. What's the point of starting something if you know you wont finish it?  I'm just stuck in a pit right now and have no idea when I will be out. I never do. I just need something radical to happen, and I need it soon. Until then...

1 comment:

  1. I am praying for you Elsbeth. When I am stuck, I remind myself that the only way to get out is to let God pull me out. You have to spend time with Him intentionally in order to get moving forward. Trudge through the initial hard time of sitting at Jesus feet and talking to Him and you will find Him with a yearning heart that desires every fiber of your being. You cannot be close to something or someone if you are not actively trying to seek it out (I am not saying that you aren't seeking the Lord). That is something I heard a few days ago and I am learning as I type this. Like I said, I am praying for you. I love you and am always up for talking or listening if you ever need it :)