"How strange it is, to be anything at all."

To witness true art -- these are the moments of my youth I will not forget. And these are the moments that fill me with joy, so pleased to experience. Tonight I went to see a band called The Music Tapes. The man who formed this group, Julian Koster, was the bassist/singing saw player for the band Neutral Milk Hotel. Jeff Mangum, a once underground artist-turned-popular-turned-scarce was the head of NMH, a band which has been a beautiful inspiration to me for a couple of years. He has an incredibly unique philosophy on life which pours through his lyrics. To fall in love with someone who is dead is a heart-wrenching experience - I'm sure - which is what Jeff Mangum did after reading The Diary of Anne Frank. He was overwhelmed with sympathy for her..and he devoted a whole album to her entitled "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea". The album is filled with WWII imagery, as well as hopeless romance all in the name of Anne. Having that background on the band and my deep feelings for them, maybe you can imagine how it felt to be in the presence of Julian Koster tonight, someone who had been part of this amazing project (Neutral Milk Hotel is no longer together). It was hard to hold myself together, and seemed surreal as Taylor, Connor, Whitney and I casually offered the band help to bring their instruments and props inside the house where they were playing. They're going across America and Canada only playing house shows. I think this says something about their character and their value in intimacy. Because watching someone on stage is one thing...but sitting in a living room with interaction between the audience and performers throughout the whole show is a whole other thing. Julian has one of the biggest imaginations I have ever encountered and it made for one of the most magical nights of my life. It was like music being played and stories being told by a five year old boy who's physical sight to the world around him just is not enough. Creativity bursting out of his every pore. Afterward I tried to keep myself "cool" as I talked to him and said how much Neutral Milk Hotel means to me. Didn't really work. But that's okay. Going home and listening to Neutral Milk Hotel brought about a completely different experience after meeting him. The lyrics hit my heart so much harder than before. I had just been in the same room as him. I felt like I was part of it. The overwhelming emotion due to awe left me wanting to cry at the sound of
"One day we will die and our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea. But for now, we are young, let us lay in the sun and count every beautiful thing we can see."
Once I've experienced artists like Jeff and Julian, it's hard to go back to mainstream because you just don't feel the same way. Love sick songs from Taylor Swift wont be my cup of tea - that's just the way it is. Probably because she is actually sane...and most of the time someone needs to be a little insane to create music so vibrant with poetry, but that's beside the point. True art changes you. It leave you wanting more. And it gives you emotions that you can't really even identify. It's quite the unique experience. Whatever you would call this.

First day of spring semester

cheesin' before class.

Too bad I got there and my prof cancelled class.

My 6th grade crush is in my class though, life is so funny sometimes.

I decided I would make the trip worth something and go to the bookstore at jt to get an iclicker, which I needed for class. You know when you look at someone and they look like a huge dork but you don't want to judge them? And then they get a text message to which their phone makes the sound from Zelda when you open a treasure chest. It's confirmed. They're a dork just like you thought. But I guess I'm a dork too since I recognized the sound right away.. 

Behind me were two black girls who's conversation I couldn't help but overhear. One walked up to the other and says "where's dumb and dumber?" to which she replied "the cafeteria" (JT has a cafeteria?) and the other girl goes "fat asses." Later the same girl goes "Mayne, he cheated on me. And so I told him it was going to take more than just an apology. Maybe I'll forgive him after he buys me like.. four cheesburgers. Shit I'm hungry. Nah.. I'm on a diet."

What?! But didn't you just say...ahh nevermind.

They continued dropping F-bombs and N words. Ugh. Lady.. you're in a school bookstore, show some class. John Tyler is so fun!

Impromptu blog post about today.

I rarely blog about my day. But anyways...I'm sitting at the dining room table with my laptop. Listening to We Were Promised Jet Packs (a greeeaatt Scottish indie rock band that I very much recommend) and flipping through my new Urban magazine. I just got home from turning in an application to Cafe Caturra. I talked to the manager, shook his hand, and he said he would most likely call me on Monday about interview details :) yay. I really want to work in that specific area. It's lovely.
So on my way home I thought I was going to have this huge philanthropy-esque moment. First I'm about two minutes away from my house and I see a stray dog on someone's yard. Every time I see a dog I feel the need to take it home to its owner. Call me an animal lover. But there's really nowhere to turn around where I am, soooo I go through the town houses that are at the entrance of my neighborhood by Gayton Crossing so that I can turn around. When I go into the parking lot there, there is someone passed out on the sidewalk. I sort of saw them at the last minute so I didn't stop right away. I decided I'm going to go get the dog then come back for the person and see if they need help/need me to call 911 (No, I don't value dogs above humans, there as a man standing over the passed out person, holding a Hot&Ready from Little Caesar's so I figured they were getting help).
I go back where the dog was and can't find it anywhere. Give up...then go back for the man. When I drive back into my neighborhood, there is no one lying on the sidewalk and the hot&ready guy isn't there either. I was gone for a grand total of two minutes. Oh well, I tried.

lololol

old pictures I just found

Ahh fun day. Taken for an art project. Photos by Lauren, except one.

Girl, you have no faith in medicine.

Dull nights call for bold thoughts.

Do you ever look back and think about all the bad things that have happened in your life? I wonder if we are stronger people because of everything we go through...or is it simply horrible misfortune that will scar us for the rest of our lives? Lately I seem fine during the day, for the most part. But at night I feel so lonely in my house, even though that's when everyone is usually home. I want to cry but there isn't really anything to cry about. I sort of want to vomit but I don't feel all that sick. I'm trying to fight my body's urge to physically do everything I'm feeling because it all just seems like nonsense. Fighting that my emotions and carnal being do, in fact, coincide. If I didn't know any better I would say I'm an adult with the weight of the world on my shoulders. That's how it feels I suppose. Long forgotten that I'm 17 years old and the world hasn't gotten anywhere near my shoulders...so why the constant heaviness? And why the constant struggle to stay close to God when I know His plans and calling for me are the only things that I can find comfort in during this life. They are sweet to the thought, but so far down the road. I can't stick with anything for that matter...the basis of my discouragement. What's the point of starting something if you know you wont finish it?  I'm just stuck in a pit right now and have no idea when I will be out. I never do. I just need something radical to happen, and I need it soon. Until then...

I find very few to be effortless in their ways. And seldom modest. I hope that everyday I act as myself and only myself.