found my childhood bear

"Bunky Bear"...you can't see his eyes because it's so FLUFFY!!!

Which reminded me...

 

best part of the movie.

painting again

and it makes me happy

(...is this why people say I'm asian?...)

New inspiration!!

Nothing makes me quite excited as getting new ideas for interior design (for some reason). I'll be posting updated pictures of my room in a few days after I finish something. I'll just say I love rustic glass lanterns and birdhouses and clouds. :) Happy Saturday!

I'm going to try and make this short...

just because it's sort of a simple idea and I don't have much to say about it. And no one likes reading long posts. But I did want to mention it. Monday night in anchor groups we were talking about faith being so much more than an "emotion" and how the church is so focused on getting you "emotionally wound up" when in reality, God/faith/worship/discipline is so much more than that. This was good for me to hear because I don't always "feel" like loving God. Sometimes you have to make a decision to do something even when you aren't in the mood. Then the next night at 1822 during worship I found myself...I don't want to say bitter...but...confused? I was listening to the music rise and rise and saw the band get more into the song as it built and I was brought back to this idea of emotion. I felt weird and almost like I was being tricked into a feeling. Shouldn't worship be so much more than an emotion created? Should our faith be guided by an emotion? And then a thought popped into my head...there is no emotion in religion. It is dead. But what IS full of emotion is a relationship. Emotion is the center of relationships, in fact. I am so grateful to say that I have a relationship with Jesus instead of a religion. And now I believe that I have a right to emotion and passion. I never want to over analyze worship again. I just hope that any feelings created in my faith walk have nothing to do with lighting, intense guitar strumming, etc. but only feelings which are created by God's presence. Eh, let me know what you think.

I hope they hire me when I'm 18.

I've said this before, but I really do enjoy some beautifully creative stop-motion. by Anthropologie.

Tell me when you hear my heart stop.

You're the only one that knows..

Tell me when you hear my silence.

"You and I have need of the strongest spell that can be found to wake us from the evil enchantment of worldliness."

-C.S. Lewis

I love love love

spending time with homeless people and learning about peoples' lives and trying to find a bathroom in VCU and chai tea with soy milk and live music and the energy and crazy perverted hicks and Connor's face as people destroy his house and making Eric stand in front of me because he's tall and otherwise they'll swing their fists in my face and it's funny because I think it's dumb but they look like they're having fun and I just stand there and nod my head and don't get the urge to hurt people and egging Scoob on to do a Ten33 song and talking about crews because they take themselves so seriously and going to Sheetz and random talks with Hannah and Marykate and taking a chance and Radio War.

Been cleaning my room all day..

Going

a bit

cray-cray

Here at 6:15 I decided to take a break, sit down and look at some Ellie Goulding on youtube. She's a British artist with a beautiful voice. She does a lot of covers, all of which I love. The first video is her covering "The Cave" by Mumford&Sons. If it gets to the middle of the song and it sounds unfamiliar, it's because she does a little jig, if you will, of her original song "Starry Eyed". But I love Mumford. And I love her. And the two songs blend nicely :) I was just going to post that video, but then on the sidebar I saw a video of her covering "Only Girl in the World" by Rihanna. Granted, I don't even like this song. But Ellie covering it along with about ten other people doing orchestra-esque music to it was quite delightful. Check it out. And take note of the cute way that she uses the word "lad" ...and pretty much her overall accent. *sigh* I want a British accent.

"How strange it is, to be anything at all."

To witness true art -- these are the moments of my youth I will not forget. And these are the moments that fill me with joy, so pleased to experience. Tonight I went to see a band called The Music Tapes. The man who formed this group, Julian Koster, was the bassist/singing saw player for the band Neutral Milk Hotel. Jeff Mangum, a once underground artist-turned-popular-turned-scarce was the head of NMH, a band which has been a beautiful inspiration to me for a couple of years. He has an incredibly unique philosophy on life which pours through his lyrics. To fall in love with someone who is dead is a heart-wrenching experience - I'm sure - which is what Jeff Mangum did after reading The Diary of Anne Frank. He was overwhelmed with sympathy for her..and he devoted a whole album to her entitled "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea". The album is filled with WWII imagery, as well as hopeless romance all in the name of Anne. Having that background on the band and my deep feelings for them, maybe you can imagine how it felt to be in the presence of Julian Koster tonight, someone who had been part of this amazing project (Neutral Milk Hotel is no longer together). It was hard to hold myself together, and seemed surreal as Taylor, Connor, Whitney and I casually offered the band help to bring their instruments and props inside the house where they were playing. They're going across America and Canada only playing house shows. I think this says something about their character and their value in intimacy. Because watching someone on stage is one thing...but sitting in a living room with interaction between the audience and performers throughout the whole show is a whole other thing. Julian has one of the biggest imaginations I have ever encountered and it made for one of the most magical nights of my life. It was like music being played and stories being told by a five year old boy who's physical sight to the world around him just is not enough. Creativity bursting out of his every pore. Afterward I tried to keep myself "cool" as I talked to him and said how much Neutral Milk Hotel means to me. Didn't really work. But that's okay. Going home and listening to Neutral Milk Hotel brought about a completely different experience after meeting him. The lyrics hit my heart so much harder than before. I had just been in the same room as him. I felt like I was part of it. The overwhelming emotion due to awe left me wanting to cry at the sound of
"One day we will die and our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea. But for now, we are young, let us lay in the sun and count every beautiful thing we can see."
Once I've experienced artists like Jeff and Julian, it's hard to go back to mainstream because you just don't feel the same way. Love sick songs from Taylor Swift wont be my cup of tea - that's just the way it is. Probably because she is actually sane...and most of the time someone needs to be a little insane to create music so vibrant with poetry, but that's beside the point. True art changes you. It leave you wanting more. And it gives you emotions that you can't really even identify. It's quite the unique experience. Whatever you would call this.

First day of spring semester

cheesin' before class.

Too bad I got there and my prof cancelled class.

My 6th grade crush is in my class though, life is so funny sometimes.

I decided I would make the trip worth something and go to the bookstore at jt to get an iclicker, which I needed for class. You know when you look at someone and they look like a huge dork but you don't want to judge them? And then they get a text message to which their phone makes the sound from Zelda when you open a treasure chest. It's confirmed. They're a dork just like you thought. But I guess I'm a dork too since I recognized the sound right away.. 

Behind me were two black girls who's conversation I couldn't help but overhear. One walked up to the other and says "where's dumb and dumber?" to which she replied "the cafeteria" (JT has a cafeteria?) and the other girl goes "fat asses." Later the same girl goes "Mayne, he cheated on me. And so I told him it was going to take more than just an apology. Maybe I'll forgive him after he buys me like.. four cheesburgers. Shit I'm hungry. Nah.. I'm on a diet."

What?! But didn't you just say...ahh nevermind.

They continued dropping F-bombs and N words. Ugh. Lady.. you're in a school bookstore, show some class. John Tyler is so fun!

Impromptu blog post about today.

I rarely blog about my day. But anyways...I'm sitting at the dining room table with my laptop. Listening to We Were Promised Jet Packs (a greeeaatt Scottish indie rock band that I very much recommend) and flipping through my new Urban magazine. I just got home from turning in an application to Cafe Caturra. I talked to the manager, shook his hand, and he said he would most likely call me on Monday about interview details :) yay. I really want to work in that specific area. It's lovely.
So on my way home I thought I was going to have this huge philanthropy-esque moment. First I'm about two minutes away from my house and I see a stray dog on someone's yard. Every time I see a dog I feel the need to take it home to its owner. Call me an animal lover. But there's really nowhere to turn around where I am, soooo I go through the town houses that are at the entrance of my neighborhood by Gayton Crossing so that I can turn around. When I go into the parking lot there, there is someone passed out on the sidewalk. I sort of saw them at the last minute so I didn't stop right away. I decided I'm going to go get the dog then come back for the person and see if they need help/need me to call 911 (No, I don't value dogs above humans, there as a man standing over the passed out person, holding a Hot&Ready from Little Caesar's so I figured they were getting help).
I go back where the dog was and can't find it anywhere. Give up...then go back for the man. When I drive back into my neighborhood, there is no one lying on the sidewalk and the hot&ready guy isn't there either. I was gone for a grand total of two minutes. Oh well, I tried.

lololol

old pictures I just found

Ahh fun day. Taken for an art project. Photos by Lauren, except one.

Girl, you have no faith in medicine.

Dull nights call for bold thoughts.

Do you ever look back and think about all the bad things that have happened in your life? I wonder if we are stronger people because of everything we go through...or is it simply horrible misfortune that will scar us for the rest of our lives? Lately I seem fine during the day, for the most part. But at night I feel so lonely in my house, even though that's when everyone is usually home. I want to cry but there isn't really anything to cry about. I sort of want to vomit but I don't feel all that sick. I'm trying to fight my body's urge to physically do everything I'm feeling because it all just seems like nonsense. Fighting that my emotions and carnal being do, in fact, coincide. If I didn't know any better I would say I'm an adult with the weight of the world on my shoulders. That's how it feels I suppose. Long forgotten that I'm 17 years old and the world hasn't gotten anywhere near my shoulders...so why the constant heaviness? And why the constant struggle to stay close to God when I know His plans and calling for me are the only things that I can find comfort in during this life. They are sweet to the thought, but so far down the road. I can't stick with anything for that matter...the basis of my discouragement. What's the point of starting something if you know you wont finish it?  I'm just stuck in a pit right now and have no idea when I will be out. I never do. I just need something radical to happen, and I need it soon. Until then...

I find very few to be effortless in their ways. And seldom modest. I hope that everyday I act as myself and only myself.